Not my circus, not my clowns.

I can be your mom or your wife. Your wife puts out, your mom does not.

If you want me to stay your wife, you need to respect me.

No, is a complete sentence.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

If you do set yourself on fire, you will be warm for the rest of your life.

Happiness is a choice.

You are casting pearls before swine.

If you are stuck under a fallen beam in a burning building, you need to lift the beam off yourself before you can help others.

"Life is hard. It's harder when you're stupid". - John Wayne

With wisdom and laughter come wrinkles.

People see what they want. Some see manatees, others see mermaids.

The light bulb is never to blame for the roaches in the pantry.

The axe forgets, the tree remembers.

A rising tide floats all ships.

Ships are safe in the harbor, but that's not what ships are for.

Calm seas don't make skilled sailors.

Bad news does not get better with age.

If you make a "joke" at someone else's expense, have enough skin for the shrapnel.

Don't start fires and then complain about the smoke.

We all made mistakes in the past. Remember the lesson, not the disappointment.

Just because it's a bad idea doesn't mean it won't be a lot of fun.

Never fight until you have to. But when it's time to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark, and it's starting to rain.

I'll go to his funeral but not his birthday party.

He knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Don't make a big announcement about yourself at other peoples celebrations.

Not my hill to die on.

If you don't discipline your child, the world will do it for you.

In the kingdom of the blind, a one-eyed man is King.

In an insane world, a sane man appears insane.

A mistake that makes you humble, is better than an achievement that makes you arrogant.

She can't remember anything she did wrong and she can't forget anything I did.

If you're asking me for advice, I'm going to assume you are out of other options.

The best disinfectant is sunlight.

I think somebody blew his pilot light out.

Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored and take a stroll out of my mouth. It's never a good thing.

Don't ruin a good today by reliving a bad yesterday.

You don't get to decide whether you were a good parent, your kids do.

Sometimes it is better to beg forgiveness than ask for permission.

If you never ask, the answer is always no.

Praise publicly, criticize privately.

Men build houses, women make homes.

They never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.

In the Middle East things will always get worse before they get worse.

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk.

Before you try to hurt my feelings keep this in mind. I don't have any and you probably do.

I'm responsible for what I say. Not what you understand.

Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.

My goal in life is to piss off at least one person a day. Right now, I'm years ahead of schedule.

The truth will never get in the way of a good story.

If you can't look back at your younger self and know that you were an idiot, you're probably still an idiot.

The line between inspired and insane can be a fine one.

Don't start fires and then complain about the smoke.

He who pays the piper calls the tunes.

Bad decisions make good stories.

At my age, if you text me after 9:00 pm, I'm going to text you back at 4:30 am.

The mind is not a vessel to be filled. It is a fire to be lighted.

Indecision is worse than a bad decision.

Sometimes you gotta risk it to get the biscuit.

Beware of the anger of a patient man.

Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

Don't kick the anthill.

Life is about memories, not money.

I thought getting old would take longer.

And so together, they built a life they love.

Everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes, the reason is you're stupid and make bad decisions.

Stupid should hurt.  Sometimes it does.

There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning.

I don't want to yuck somebody's yum. - Erin Napier (I don't want to criticize somebody else's stuff)

If we learn from our mistakes. Right about now, I'm a genius.

Men build houses, women make homes.

Your terrible job is a dream job for someone unemployed.  Your terrible home is a dream home for a homeless person.  Your smile is the dream of the depressed. Your health is the dream of the ill. Don't let difficult times make you forget your blessings.

How much do you want this? Is the juice worth the squeeze?

Religion is mans inability to deal with our own mortality.

It's no accident that churches and graveyards stand side by side.

Just because I'm here doesn't mean I'm all there.

An ounce of preparation saves a pound of perspiration.

It doesn't matter how many no's you get, it only takes one yes.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Just because you believe in something, does not mean that it is true.

I don't need to know everything, I just need to know where to find it when I need it. - Henry Ford

There is no vaccine for stupidity.

When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes; when you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein

I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predestined and that we can do nothing to change it look both ways before they cross the road. - Stephen Hawking

Many assumptions are made. Most assumptions are wrong.

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Be a duck. Look calm on the surface while you're paddling your ass off underneath.

I am pathologically punctual.

Never discredit anything you can't disprove.

"A superior pilot uses his superior judgment to avoid situations which require the use of his superior skill" -  Frank Borman, Gemini 7, Apollo 8 Commander.

Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe.

If you see a toilet in your dreams, don't use it.

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

Say what you mean, mean what you say.

Everybody dies, not everybody lives.

Intelligence chases you, but you are faster.

Scars are tattoos with a better story.

We do not realize what we have on earth until we leave it. - Jim Lovell

There are people who make things happen, there are people whowatch things happen, and there are people who wonder what happened. To be successful, you need to be a person who makes things happen. - Jim Lovell

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job. - Jim Lovell

Fat women are like mopeds. They're fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see you on one.

"Three things ruin a man, power, money, and women." - Harry S. Truman

"I never wanted power, I never had money, and the only woman in my life is up at the house right now." Harry S. Truman

Fish at your feet first. Very likely, what you want is close by.

If I give you advice it doesn't mean I'm smarter. It means I know more because I've done more stupid shit.

Numbers don't lie, but liers use numbers.

There are statisticians, and there are liars, and I can't tell the difference. - Mark Twain

Always do right! This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. - Mark Twain

Never complain about growing old. It's a privilege denied to many.

He doesn't know shit from apple butter. - Harry S. Truman

When one man dies, it is a tragedy. When thousands die it is a statistic. - Joseph Stalin

All good citizens accept the results of any fair election. - Harry S. Truman

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.

You can't control the winds but you can adjust your sails.

You're an adult, make your bed.

If a man's word isn't any good, it isn't made better by putting it on paper.